Project Team Mein Aayi Ek Ladki...

Disclaimer : The poem is purely fictional and not related to any person dead or alive. If any resemblance to anyone is found, write another poem like this and add this Disclaimer on top of it! :-)


Aaj meri project team mein, eek nayi ladki aayi hai
Usne team ke sabhi ladkon ki, soyi ummeeeden jagai hain.

Shruwaat mein to doston, relations the bade professional
Dheere dheere, mujhe iccha huyi, baat karu main kuch personal.

Technically to pata nahi, par beauty mein to woh strong hai,
Aisi khoobsurat ladki ki help karne mein kya wrong hai?

Haalat aisi huyi meri kharaab, doston kya bataun main tumhe,
Pakki duffer nikli wohi, aur bade irritating the woh lamhe.

Ek minute discussion ka, lagta hai jaise ek saal,
Frustration itni badh jaati hai, ki kheench lun apne baal!

Das baje aati hai woh, 5.30 ko chali jaati,
Kaam khud se kuch na kare, sab kaam mujh se karvati!

Kaam saara maine kiya, credit ki woh nikli chor,
Isliye appraisal ke time pe, doston, ho gaya main ignore.

Uske peeche barbaad hue sab type ke projects,
Fir bhi rehti hai woh on top of boss's list of favourites..

Jaise taise, mar mar ke, complete kiya technical project,
Saath hi mere personal interests ko, usne berehami se kiya reject.

Is haadse ke baad, IT companies ki har ladki se main darta hun
Project team mein koi ladki na aaye, bas yehi dua main karta hun.

Mere Labz...

Khamosh meri shayari, kanjoos mere labz;

Karte hain har khayal ko, misuse mere labz...

Kuch soch samjh hoti to, appreciate bhi kar deta koi,
Khud apni hi aavaz mein, confuse mere labz...

Kabaadi vaala de gaya, vapas mere kagaz;
Main khud nahin kar pata, re-use mere labz...

Chhapte nahin kahin pe, koi padhta bhi nahi hai,
Bas mere andar hi rehte hain, mehfooz mare labz...

Kuchh sachi feelings, kuchh puraani yaadein,
Aur kuchh imaginations ko, karte abuse mere labz...

Khamosh meri shayari, kanjoos mere labz;

Karte hain har khayal ko, misuse mere labz...

Marketing People : Beware

At a recent Microsoft Users Group meeting, Microsoft was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software: Vista Talker 15.5.

The Microsoft Marketing representative was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C: Return."

Someone else chimed in: "Yes, Return."

Unfortunately, the software worked !!!

Rush Hour Calendar

Once, while 'NIL' thinking, I figured out that the current Gregorian Calendar is not the best form of Calendar to be used in current work environments. Hence, I have come up with an improvised and efficient Calendar. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs.

Following is the Format of the newly proposed Calendar, devised specially to be used in Typical Office Environments :


I know, this Calendar does not seem easy to understand. This is purposefully done so that the calendar looks intelligent !!

Below are the considered while preparing this Calendar. Hopefully, this shall explain why the Calendar is designed so :

1. All rush jobs were actually required to be submitted yesterday. With this calendar, a job can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on 3rd. Much like what our Managers generally expect !!!
   
2. Most Jobs are required to be done by Friday, so there are three Fridays every week
3. There are eight new days added to each month to allow for end-of-the-month panic jobs.
4. There is no first of the month – thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month’s last minute panic jobs.
5. The unlucky considered days like 13th, 29th and 31st have also been abolished, so as to avoid the blame on the unfortunate dates.
6. Monday morning hangovers are abolished together with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.
7. A new day – Negotiation Day – has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted ‘panic’.
   

Hopefully, this "Rush Hour Calendar" shall improve the efficiency at your work place !!!

Main Aur mere Roommates....

This Poem is dedicated to Our dirty House, My roommate, Mr. Mosquito and his Families, and the all the heap of stuffs over which I am sitting while writing this blog...



Main Aur mera roommate 
Aksar Yeh Baatain Kiya Karte Hain
Ghar saaf hota to aisa hota
Hum saaf rehte to kaisa hota...

Main kitchen saaf karta,tum bathrooom dhote
Main hall saaf karta, tum balcony dekhte
Log is baat pe hairaan hote
Aur us baat pe haste

Yeh hara bhara sink hai
Aur bartanon ki jang chidi hui hai
Yeh color full kitchen hai
Ya masaalon se holi kheli hai

Hai farsh ki hai nayi design
Ya yeh dhuli hui hai doodh aur beer se,
Yeh airfreshner ka naya flavour hai,
Ya fir dardnaak badboo aati dustbin se..

Yeh sochta hun main kab se gum sum,
Ke machhar nahi hai, kaheen nahi hai,
Magar mera dil hai ke keh raha hai
Machhar yaheen hai, yaheen kaheen hai !

Toand (Pot-Belly) ki hai ye haalat, meri bhi hai, uski bhi..
Exercise karne ka decide to karte, par roj subah uthne ka nahi hai dum
Guitar bhi sikhna hai, Books bhi padhni hai,
Karne ko bohut kuch hai magar kab kare hum..

Dil kahta hai koi ek aakar room mein bikhra saamaan jama de.
Ye Carpet jo jeene ko joonzh raha hai, fikwa de!
Safai se rehne ke fayde, hamein bhi jata de
Hum Safai mein rahe sakte hain, logon ko bata de!

Main aur mere roommates
Aksar Yehi Baatain Kiya Karte Hain !

Truth Behind The Origin of Valentine's Day

In spite of what you have been told by everyone, the truth is that Valentine's Day originated many years ago, in India, and to top it all, in Gujarat!!

During those days, Gujju men, continually mistreated and disrespected their wives (Gujjuaini). One fine day, it happened to be the 14th day of February, one brave Gujjuaini, having had enough "torture" by her husband, finally chose to rebel by beating him up with a belan (rolling pin).

Yes....the same belan which she used daily, to make chapattis for him.... only this time, instead of the dough, it was the husband who was flattened.

This was a momentous occasion for all Gujarati women and a revolt soon spread, like wild fire, with thousands of housewives beating up their husbands with the belan. There was an outburst of moaning "chapatti-ed" husbands all over Anand and Amdavad. The Gujju men-folk quickly learnt their lesson and started to behave more respectfully with their Gujjuaini wives.

Thereafter, on 14th February, every year, the womenfolk of Gujarat would beat up their husbands, to commemorate that eventful day. The wives having the satisfaction of beating up their husbands with the belan and the men having the supreme joy of submitting to the will of the women they loved. Soon the Gujju men realized that in order to avoid this ordeal they need to present gifts to their wives....they brought flowers and sweetmeats. Hence the tradition began.

As Gujarat fell under the influence of Western culture, 14th February became the 'Belan time' day.

Through the wide Desi networks of Gujjus, the ritual soon spread to Britain and many other Western countries, specifically, the catch words 'Belan time!'

Of course in their foreign tongues, it was first anglicized to 'Belantine', then to 'Velantine' and then to 'Valentine'.

And thereafter, 14th of February, came to be known as Valentine's Day!

So....if you see a Gujju with a black eye and a Gujjuiani with a V(B)ELAN in her hand, then you know....its V(B)ALENTINE'S DAY!!!

Happy BELAN TIME Day!!!

PS : Thanks to KP and Mr. Sudhir.
Note: No offense intended for any community or anyone.

Moan and Piss off !!!

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Moral of the story : Some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning !!!

Mistaken Reflexive Utterance !!!

It was a special night at the Teatro La Fenice theater and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations."

She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch... "

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

She continued, "Now you are feeling dizzy... Keep watching the watch. Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch... "

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch.

Suddenly the watch slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT !" cried the hypnotist.

And it took three weeks to clean up the theater !!!

Female Perceptions Vs. Male Perceptions

Here I am presenting a typical incident focusing on the differences between Male perceptions and Female perceptions. Both these creatures belong to same species, but they think totally different than each other.

Take a case into consideration when a guy named Rahul is attracted to a girl named Vedanshi. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few days later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Vedanshi, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is a silence. To Vedanshi, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Rahul is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Vedanshi is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading towards marriage? Towards having children? Towards being together for lifetime? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Rahul is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the new car, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Vedanshi is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Rahul is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the gears again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting correctly. And they better not try to blame it on the bad handling this time. What bad handling? this damn thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves 1200 bucks to get it repaired.

And Vedanshi is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Rahul is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Vedanshi is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Rahul is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their . . .

"Rahul," Vedanshi says aloud.

"What?" says Rahul, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so . . . " (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Rahul.

"I'm such a fool," Vedanshi sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse ????" says Rahul.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Vedanshi says.

"No!" says Rahul, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Vedanshi says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Rahul, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Vedanshi, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Rahul, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Rahul.

"That way about time," says Vedanshi.

"Oh," says Rahul. "Yes."

(Vedanshi turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Rahul," she says.

"Thank you," says Rahul.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Rahul gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Ruffles, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (Precisely, That’s also Rahul's policy regarding world hunger.)




IT'S ANALYSIS TIME

The next day Vedanshi will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Rahul, while playing table tennis one day with a mutual friend of his and Vedanshi's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Nilay, did Vedanshi ever own a horse?"


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I am not talking about people having different wavelengths here.

I am talking about people living on different planets, in completely different solar systems.

Vedanshi cannot communicate meaningfully with Rahul about their relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck.
And the sum total of Rahul's thinking on this particular topic is as follows:
Huh?